Tuesday, April 14, 2020

Day #30 - Lost

We all suffer various losses through this time period that we call "life."

My losses are tremendous.

I have lost more than I care to reexamine, but in the context of this challenge, I must do just that.

I have lost my...

... childhood, in that, it was a very turbulent time for me since I had almost no friends, and was always being made fun of for something I actually wasn't at all.

...virginity, as we all do, but much later than my peers.

...Father to a tragic, homicide.

... an inheritance that I received from my dad's demise.

The list goes on, however, but the one that I am most lost about is a very special person in my life. Without saying who, I can just say that s/he was not just very special, s/he was smart, good looking and very withdrawn. Now I must deal with this loss that could have been avoided entirely, but my anger got the best of me.

When you have disorders like BP I, MDD, PTSD and now I am newly diagnosed with BPD, you can't always control your feelings of anger and bitterness. I was outraged by my Father's death with absolutely no justice at all. I still am, but it does not do any good to dwell on it anymore. All my rage led to a very miserable life and I took it out on my special person who later just gave up on me and left.

I have tried repeatedly to rekindle our relationship but to no avail. For the rest of my life, I must now cope with the lost feeling that one encounters with no more loving company from my special person. I can't acquire any more of this particular relationship.

You live and learn, sometimes a very difficult lesson. My lesson was the most important of my life since I no longer have this individual to love and care for.I just must move on now and pray and hope that I will be reconnected someday.

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