Day #30 - Lost

My IMMENSE LOSS in life.

Losses are both tremendous and heartbreaking.

I have lost more than I care to reexamine, 

I have lost my...

... childhood being such a very turbulent time for me since I had almost no friends and was always being made fun of for something I wasn't at all.

...virginity, as we all do, but was a late bloomer.

...Father to a tragic, homicide.

... an inheritance that I received from my dad's demise.

The list goes on, however, but the one I am most lost about is a very special person in my life. S/he was not just very special, s/he was smart, attractive and very withdrawn. Now I must deal with this loss that could have should have been avoided entirely, but my anger got the best of me.

When you have disorders like BP I, MDD, PTSD, and now I am newly diagnosed with BPD, you can't always control your feelings of anger and bitterness. My Father's death outraged me with absolutely no justice. I still am, but it does not do any good to dwell on it anymore. All my rage led to a very miserable life, and I took it out on my special person who later just gave up on me and left.

I have tried repeatedly to rekindle our relationship, but to no avail. For the rest of my life, I must now cope with the loss that one encounters with no more loving company from my special person. I can't gain any more of this relationship.

You live and learn, sometimes a tough lesson. My lesson was the most important one of my life since I no longer have this individual to love and care for. I just must move on now and pray and hope that we will connect again someday.


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